Everything is ok. Everything is as it should be.

This last week (or should I say year) have been a whirlwind. The feeling of constant uncertainty about my personal future, the future of my country and the future of the world seems to stay with me every single day. I believe that humans are much more adaptable than one would think, but I wonder if uncertainty is ever something a person can totally “get fully used to”.

I flew to my parents in Maryland mid January after feeling like I really just needed to get out of Israel for a bit (the 3rd seger and it not being a real seger and then after a few weeks turning into a more intense seger). What I originally planned to be a trip of 2.5 weeks has quickly been extended to a month, and not exactly by my choosing. The Israeli government voted on Sunday to close the airport for a week and so my flight got cancelled. I will now be coming back to Israel next Thursday, after taking 2 out of my 3 exams in the US (which will be in the middle of the night).

With talks of extending the seger and with that maybe the closure of the airport and being in exam season, I have been feeling the anxiety of my existence through all of the physical symptoms. I have been waking up in the morning with my heart racing and have been feeling far from present and grounded. My brain has been constantly pulling me into thoughts about the future or the past and not allowing me to experience life right now. I feel like no one has a truly good answer for me because in a way, my anxiety is totally legit- the world is truly messed up right now.

I’ve been asking myself questions about meaning and purpose in my life and how I can possibly feel that I have purpose in my life when the days simply pass and sometimes I don’t even know what day it is. I think these are feelings that many people have been feeling in the past year during Covid. Most of the time humans define themselves and their identity by their achievements and what they “do”. In a time where we just aren’t “doing” anything, it’s hard to feel that our lives are worth anything.

I have gotten to the point where I want to acknowledge the signs my body is sending me and work towards some sort of change. I am tired of being frustrated and disappointed by the state of the world. My goal right now isn’t even happiness (because I believe that all emotions are crucial- not just happiness), but rather all I want is to be able to wake up each day and say, “Wow. Everything is fine. Things are exactly as they should be. Me, my family and my people are content. All is well.” SO, I’ve decided that I will take these sentences and repeat them to myself daily. Maybe if I am able to truly start believing them, the world will follow my lead and get its sh*t together. Amen.

Hebrew-English Dictionary:

seger- lockdown